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The Jesuses/IHOPE We Can Succeed (Pilot)
IHOPE We Can Succeed is the pilot episode of The Jesuses. Synopsis The Jesuses try to make their IHOP more popular than the rival Denny's across the street. Transcript (Slow pan out to an IHOP. We see the six Jesuses working.) Jesus One: Man, I sure love my job! Jesus Five: You're not even doing anything, One! Jesus One: Haha, oh yeah. (Jesus One walks over to the sink and starts helping Jesus Three wash dishes.) Jesus Four: So when are we getting some vacation days? Jesus Two: Ha! Nice joke, Four. Jesus Three: We don't need vacation days. Knowing that there is inherent value in our labor is reward enough. Jesus Five: Yes, yes, that is true. It would be nice if Mr. Jason appreciated us more, though. Darrell: Yeah! My income alone has to pay my whole family's rent! Jesus Two: Op! Gotta serve to one of the tables. (cut to: Jesus Two is serving Ansi his pancakes.) Jesus Two: Here you are, sir. Ansi: Why, thanks! It sure is a pleasure to eat here. (Jesus Two goes back to the kitchen.) (Jesus Six walks into the kitchen from out back.) Jesus Six: Oh man, I'm glad it's almost closing time. Jesus Four: Me too. I can't wait to get home. We have some Fat Dog Mendoza to catch up on, right fellas? (The Jesuses all exclaim in agreement. Darrell just sighs.) (Jason walks into the kitchen from his office.) Jason: Folks, I'll need you all to meet me in my office after we close. (The employees all collectively groan.) (Cut to all the employees and Jason in Jason's office.) (Jason motions to a line graph on a screen.) Jason: Look at these sales figures. (The employees show various reactions of disapproval.) Jason: These are our sales for this quarter. (Jason clicks a button on a remote. There is a different line graph on the screen which shows much higher sales.) Jason: These are the sales of that Denny's right across the street. And yes, I acquired these figures through an act of illegal corporate espionage, so put your hand down, Darrell. (Darrell puts his hand down.) Jason: Okay, so here's the deal. We need to increases the sales of the IHOP. Jesus Three: But how? Jason: Do everything the Denny's does, but much bigger, flashier and better. (The employees are silent.) Jason: If we can get our sales to match or top those of Denny's, then you're all getting pay raises. Very small pay raises, but pay raises nonetheless. (The employees all cheer.) Jason: Alright, you're dismissed. Have a good night, and be safe out there. ~~ LATER THAT EVENING... ~~ (The Jesuses are at home watching Fat Dog Mendoza on TV.) Jesus Six: So... how can we increase IHOP's customer traffic? Jesus One: Not now, dude, we're trying to watch Fat Dog here! Jesus Two: Six is right though. We need to figure out our game plan. (Jesus Six turns off the TV.) Jesus Two: Jason said to do what Denny's does... bigger, better, flashier. But what does Denny's do, anyway? Jesus Five: Hmm. We need an inside source. Jesus Four: Who do we know that works at Denny's? ~~ THE NEXT DAY ~~ (The restaurant looks more attractive to customers.) (Jesus Two serves a Cat shaped pancake to Crowfeather.) Crowfeather: Oh, sir, this is the best pancake I've ever had! Jesus Two: Oh, thank you! I'm so glad you enjoy it. (Jesus Two smiles as he walks back to the kitchen to cook up more orders. Jesus One and Jesus Four go out to ask for the customers' orders.) (Jesus Four walks to Hilda's table.) Jesus Four: What would you like to order, young lady? Hilda: A smiley pancake! Jesus Four: Okay then! Hilda: That man sure is polite! (Jesus Six serves Moon Snail and Flametail noodle pancakes.) Moon Snail: Wait, I didn't order anything yet. ...I can't complain though. Flametail: I wanted blueberry. (Jesus Two comes by and places a stack of fresh blueberry pancakes in front of Flametail.) Flametail: Very nice. (Cut to Jesus One, Two, Four, and Five in the kitchen.) Jesus One: Wait, what are you guys doing? Jesus Two: It's good customer service, my dude. Jesus Four: Yeah. Jesus Five: Does Denny's do that? Jesus Two: Uhhh.... Jesus Four: It's just a good idea overall. Jesus One: We're still waiting for our informant to tell us everything he knows about Denny's. He said he would be here by lunchtime. Jesus Four: Yeah, but in the meantime, we're doing our best work. Jesus Five: Hey, I got this breakfast plate ready for whoever ordered it. Jesus Two: Right! I'll get that delivered right away. (Jesus Two serves the breakfast plate to Alex and Brownie.) Alex and Brownie: Thanks! Jesus Two: Of course. Please don't hesitate to ask if you need anything else. (Parappa the Rapper walks into the IHOP.) Jesus Four: Parappa, my man! Parappa: Heya, Four! How's it today? Jesus Four: We're like, working extra hard today to increase sales. Parappa: Oh, you need to increase sales? This place always seems poppin' to me. (Jesus Four shrugs.) Jesus Four: What would you like today? Parappa: Can I get a uhhhh..... Jesus Four: That's okay, take your time. (Cut back to the kitchen.) Jesus Five: Hey, I think it's almost lunchtime. Jesus Six: Let's head out back. He said he'd meet us there. (The Jesuses sans Four go out back.) Jesus Three: He's not here yet. Jesus One: No, wait, there he is! Brock: Hey, Jesuses! I'm so excited to share everything I know with you. Jesus Two: Great! Brock: So first things first, Denny's has- (A roaring explosion is heard coming from inside the restaurant.) Jesus Two: OopsnevermindBrockwe'lltalktoyoulaterbye Brock: Oh. (The Jesuses rush back inside. There's a huge hole in the ceiling in the dining area.) Jason: Boys, the roof collapsed again. Jesus Three: Aw man, that's the third time this month. Satan: Hey, I'm over here! Notice me! Jesus Six: Well, if it isn't Satan the Thot. Satan: Hey, I thought you weren't allowed to swear! God: They aren't. The Jesuses, collectively: GOD!? (God descends through the hole in the ceiling. Luna follows after Him.) Satan: Whatever. You can't stop my minions and I from wrecking this place! (Diana, Dian, Breezepelt, Nightcloud, and Master Frown start flipping tables, throwing cutlery, destroying light fixtures, and doing other naughty things.) Hilda: You guys! You can't be destroying this IHOP! (Master Frown throws orange juice onto Waldo.) Hilda: Dang it! It took 5 hours to clean this sweater! You’ll pay for this Master Frown! God: Yo Satan, 1v1 me, thot. Satan: I'd like to see you try silly cunt I'll put you in the fucking ground Jesus Two: Welp, I'm going home. See you guys there. (starts to walk away) Jesus One: (grabs Jesus Two's collar) We gotta help Dad defeat Satan! Jesus Two: Sigh. Jesus Five: How are we gonna do that? Jesus Six: I got this, guys. (Jesus Six walks up to Master Frown and tosses a glass of wine on him.) Master Frown: What!? My robe is ruined! You're going to pay for this, Christ! Jesus Six: Go home, Frown. Please. (Master Frown tries to strike Jesus Six, but Six blocks him.) Master Frown: Satan! Axe this fool! Satan: I challenge you to a dance-off! God: You do this every time. You know I always win the dance-offs. Satan: But this time, I have a secret weapon! God: What? Actual dance skills? Satan: No. A gun. (Satan pulls out a gun and shoots a bullet at God.) The Jesuses and Luna: Oh no! Satan’s minions: Oh yes! Jesus Two: Wait, why are we worried? We know God can't die, right? Diana: We made bullets out of pure concentrated Satanic energy! There's no way God will survive! The Jesuses and Luna: Oh no! Satan’s minions: Oh yes! God: It's not over yet. I can still win the dance-off! Satan: I'd like to see you try, you old fool! (The dance fight starts) (Diana and Dian are seen cheering for Satan while Master Frown, Breezepelt And Nightcloud watches the dance fight.) Category:The Jesuses Category:Jesus Category:Religion